Borders and Boundaries: Why We Need Both
What an important topic. So many books have been written about it, some with good advice, some with bad. But still: boundaries are necessary.
Before 1914, a traveller could cross most European borders without showing a passport at all. The passport as we know it, a document you must present to be allowed through, barely existed in much of the world. Only after World War I, in the name of security, did borders harden and papers become required.
Borders exist for a reason. They protect a people, a home, a way of life. But history shows how quickly a border can shift from protection to prison: some are closed to keep danger out, others to keep people in.
A border with a gate
Our inner lives work the same way. We each have borders: the lines that say this is me, this is not me, this is where I end, and you begin. A healthy boundary is not a wall. It is a border with a gate. You decide who enters, when, and why.
But many of us learned something different. If you grew up in a home where your "no" was ignored, or where someone else decided what you felt and who you were, your inner borders were crossed again and again, without your permission. Some people respond by building walls so high that no one gets in. Others have no border left at all.
When there was never a boundary to begin with
When a child is abused, especially by a caretaker, how is that child supposed to learn to set boundaries? A small child sees her caretaker as her reference point for her whole life. They are always right, because she has no one else to measure by.
Think of growing up with a narcissistic parent. There are no boundaries at all. Parent and child are completely enmeshed. The parent isn't crossing your boundary; they are already inside it, every day, every second. It becomes very hard to grow a self of your own, because you live as a continuation of that other person.
Seeing the invisible
Boundaries are invisible, which is exactly why they are so hard to work with. In my sessions, we often make them visible: with tiles, small figures, a rope on the floor, a drawing. When you can see where your line is, or notice that it was never there, something shifts.
Start small
It is absolutely necessary to learn how to set boundaries, one small step after another. And it begins with loving yourself. When you don't, you will often allow others to step over your lines and hurt you.
So start small. First, recognise that your boundaries are weak or missing. Recognise that you need them to keep harmful people outside of your inner space.
You can also have different boundaries with different people. Sometimes you react from the part of you that is three years old, the one who was hurt by caretakers, friends, or someone like them. You get triggered, and suddenly you act like that child. In another situation, at work, for example, you can set a boundary without any trouble. The first step is always to see what is going on. A revelation. From there, you can work.
Once the trauma itself has been dealt with, the next step is working on boundaries that were never there or are weak. If you are a survivor of abuse (sexual, emotional, physical, or other), you need your voice back. You need your "no."
My own picture: a garden fence
My personal picture for my inner boundaries is a garden fence.
I no longer live in a big tower with strong walls. When I sit in a huge castle, watching someone approach and pulling up my bridge, no one can visit me or even see me. And I have no idea where "outside" is. I am alone.
Instead, I decided to build a beautiful inner garden in my heart, surrounded by a small white garden fence that says: this is my property. From there I can see who is walking by, and they can see me. If I want, I can invite them in for a good cup of tea or a cappuccino. And when it is time, I can say: "Thank you so much for the visit, but now it's time to go."
When the fence breaks
Once, someone crossed my inner boundary again, the one I had tried so hard to protect. Afterwards, my whole garden was destroyed. The fence was broken, and the little gate lay trampled at my ankles.
After recovering, I wondered what to do with my fence. I would have to plant new flowers, but I also needed a new fence and a new gate. Then I thought, instantly: how wonderful that Jesus is a craftsman, a carpenter. In a second, He repaired the broken parts of my garden. And He put in a new door.
Wow. What a blessing.
A better world starts here
The world would be so much better if we acted out of healthy boundaries. From there, we can love people without losing ourselves. There will always be those who try to cross boundaries, between people, between nations, in war. But we can come out of our freeze, set boundaries for our own lives, and live as healthy versions of ourselves.
If you have never had a fence, or yours was broken long ago, you are not alone. You can build one, one small step after another.
If you would like to build your own fence, I would love to walk alongside you.
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